52 Sunsets

This week I had the honour of showing off this wonderful place to my Norwegian visitors, Henrik and Silje. Taking a drive around the penninsula should be a compulsory weekly event so all Capetonians. Driving back through Misty Cliffs is a awe-inspiring experience making you realize that although the city life has it’s man-made excitement, nothing quite beats the majesty of raw, unpredictable nature. I’m quite happy in this place – I love the surroundings, the beauty the emanates from every corner, the quirky diverse people and the uncharacterizable energy that flows through everything.

But there’s something missing. It’s not something physical either – everything that I could want or need is available. No, it’s something missing from me. Something I’ve been looking for my whole life which is still eluding me. It’s the sense of completion in myself, the self-contentedness and acceptance of myself as whole and complete as I am. The knowledge that ‘I complete me’, not anyone else.

I’m starting to feel ambivalent about this though. Part of me feels this need to be complete in myself, but there’s another part telling me ‘it doesn’t work that way.’ This part reminds me of my intrinsic belief that we are all a part of God and that if we are to know God, we need to not only know ourselves, but to also know those around us, our ’soul-group’ and soulmates. The more we understand the relationships between us, the more we solidify our understanding of and relationship with our true God nature.

Then another part of me (yes, this is getting a little DID) asks: ‘So when are you going to get the time to know yourself, know others, know God and still get these websites finished on time?’ Pertinent question. I keep saying there’s not enough time for everything, but I know that is a cop-out. The problem is what I end up spending my much-treasured time on. It’s certainly not always constructive and it’s definitely not always focused on expanding the clarity necessary for astute observation.

And this brings me back to the same position I seem to be in again and again. I need focus and clarity, but pursue instead a state of intoxication and hedonism. Hmmm. There’s a bigger picture here somewhere. Let me stand back a bit…

“A merry-go-round. Merry for a while, going round, but be careful – too many revolutions and you’re likely to lose more than your lunch.”

It’s a different perspective from up here. It’s a place in Cape Town I really love. The border of the mountain meets the border of the city. The sounds of wildlife mix in with the mechanical noises below and somehow manage to harmonise. And this time of day is magical. The sea is calm today, there’s very little wind and the clarity I have been seeking this weekend seems to have finally settled in. It doesn’t take a lot to achieve- a change in your frame of mind seems equivalent to the manual focusing of the camera’s lens. Point and shoot – point yourself in the direction you want, and shoot. Capture the image of what you want. Burnt it into your retina. Tag it with all the relevant words, comments and phrases you’ll need to recall it at a moment’s notice, ready to align yourself to it again.

This expanse is mine. What I’m taking in now is what is in my reach to achieve. This is my city and this is where I’ve grown into the man I am today. Hard lessons, beautiful experiences, loving friends and chilling dark strangers. I’ve created it for me to experience and I would do it again. But I don’t won’t a repeat performance. I’m creating a new life moment by delicate moment.

“We create our world around us as a projection of self. Change your understanding of self and you change your world.”

I find it a little odd that my drive for a healthy clean lifestyle keeps getting subverted by my own doings. When everything is in alignment I can clearly see the path in front of me, the road towards the goals I dream about. But I think that for some reason I get scared of it. Almost force myself to fail. I ‘fuzz’ things up – I get drunk and lose myself in a safe womb of inebriation. It’s easy to be inspired by ideas in that state. What’s harder is taking that rough diamond and sculpting it into something beautiful, clear and most of all, finished. My drawer is full of fantastic ideas and amazing concepts but remarkably empty of finished creations.

That’s what this ritual is about though. Slowly putting the pegs is the ground and marking out the foundation. My foundation is an inner one. A spiritual and emotional foundation that I feel I’ve been missing since Bruce left. For this I need clarity. And I’m going to get it again. Just watch me.

“Turn the dial, find the spot where the static phases out and the music phases in. Now stay there.”

It did start off as supposedly being on Sundays, but besides the fact that I was in no space to blog last Sunday, I can luckily fall back on the excuse that it was stormy and there was no visible sunset anyway. It’s a good excuse and I backed it up by heading down to the promenade in Seapoint on Wednesday to snap some pics and take in the amazing swells.

To be honest these last couple of weeks have been a whirlwind tour of emotional places not explored in a while. I really didn’t expect to spend so much time with Simon while he was down, but it sorted of just ended up that way. The time we spent together was fantastic. It made me remember why I loved him so much and why he will always have such a special place in my heart. Our time together is quite natural and easy going. We talk about everything. No topic is off boundaries, although I sometimes thought perhaps some should be. I struggled quite a bit today with no-one to talk with. I immersed myself in Battlestar Galactica for the afternoon. Perhaps I should’ve worked instead, but I never manage to get that right after a tiring week/weekend.

I learnt a few things this weekend. I learnt that even though alcohol is generally not a good thing, it can be a lifesaver in certain situations. I also learnt that a little bit of Madness and Mayhem can be a good thing. I learnt that even though I doubt myself sometimes, I’m normally spot on the mark. I learnt that even though I love classical music, opera can sometimes be very tedious. I learnt that clear-headedness is something to be savoured and appreciated.

And that last point is what it is going to be about for a while. My time is becoming an extremely valuable asset which I need to spend wisely. Play when it’s time to play, but work hard when that’s necessary. It’s more necessary now than ever before. My goals have become clear, but without working towards them they’ll always just stay as goals to reach.

Advice for the day?:

“I agree with Nike – Just Do It. Reasons for not doing it are easy and cheap, but just don’t get you anywhere. Push the kruft to the side and look forward into your destiny.”